You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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