My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
