my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
