Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
