I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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