Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
