You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
