my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
