Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
