rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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