Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Randomize
