Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
