I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
two words...techno handjob
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
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