So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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