God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Randomize
