Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
