There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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