this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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