I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Come see our sink grown plant.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Randomize
