I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
