Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
