I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
