We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
