I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
