Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now