I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body