you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
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I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
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Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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