My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
