9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
