Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
