Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
