You're a womanizer and a bitch.
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize
