she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
