my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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