Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
