Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
