The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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