The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
