yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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