On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
