Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
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