Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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