If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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