I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
