everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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