Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.