We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
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