How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
