I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
