from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
