you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
All the doctor said was why
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
