Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize
