She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
