I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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