So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Randomize
