if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
