One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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