I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I deserve this hangover.
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