Taylor Swift is so right about you.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Randomize
