Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
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